Oh, Canada!

One of the World's Great Philosophers once said to me; Life is tough... Which I discovered first hand this week as I was forced to sacrifice a toilsome journey to Southern Africa's great city Johannesburg, in exchange for a slightly less toilsome journey aboard Etihad's flying pencil (the Airbus 340-600) to Toronto, The Big T. O.

I say toilsome still, as being a passenger and surviving aboard this flight was worthy of any number of Humanitarian Awards! I'm not the worlds shortest person, but by no means am I overly elongated - I must admit to the sideways sprawl into the aisle to allow my legs to release any Deep Vein Thrombotic clots which could have potentially formed during the 15½ hour journey from Abu Dhabi International Nuclear Fallout Zone (or should I say Mosiac Mess - the Airport Authority could really benefit from my's and Adrian's decorational talents)

A particular highlight of this flight was when every toilet onboard went unserviceable for nigh on 4hrs. Naturally, noone knew about this, and so the queue to the dunnies circulated the cabin like the line-up for Barbra Streisand tickets at the Ashburton Workingmens Club. Upon discussion with the crew, who I cant work out if they were administering Oxygen to each other due to overflowing toilet bowls, or in fact they were feeling a little hypoxic having spent just shy of 16hrs in a metal tube, we learnt that yes, the toilets werent working, and yes, it perhaps wasnt the first time their A340-600 had a minor technical issue, and yes, noone is overly joyed by the impending arrival of the SuperJumbo Baluga Whale A380, knowing all-to-well Airbus' history of never-quite-working aircraft manufacturing.

After a missed approach in Toronto, we were very relieved to be back on the ground, grateful for the hospitality from our hosts at Etihad - ready to begin our paid-for holiday to Canada.

I must point out, usually we don't take joyrides on other airlines, nor do we get the opportunity to be so unproductive as passengers, but as we were going to YYZ to be history-in-the-making crew, operating the first ever commercial flight between Canada and Dubai, Emirates was required to deadhead (the eloquent term used to define a crew member positioning themselves to a destination as a passenger) us! They also very kindly gave us 3 days to explore, which in Emirates' usual "the crew are legal, so we'll screw them" mindset, was a very nice treat. I rounded up the posse of Non-Canadians (by that I mean me and two others) and we overturned EVERY rock that Ontario had to overturn.

If you understand what i mean when Britain has many a "British *wobble wobble* Citizen", then you'll also understand when I say Canada has many a "Canadian". Wobble Wobble.

We blessed the CN Tower with our presence, which until last month was the World's Tallest Building at over 552metres, since superceded by Dubai's (of course) in-construction Burj Dubai Tower. We roadtripped to the Canadian/American border to Niagara Falls, to see JUST how much water there was. I can safely report: Lots! We tasted some Canadian wine: a little bit like Paint Thinner. We discovered Abercrombie & Fitch is in town, which I hear you all breathe a sigh of relief over. We drank Bellini's, We ate Korean BBQ (still a little perplexed about that decision), We flew home

Welcome aboard this Emirates Flight, EK242 direct service from Toronto to the Taj Mahal... or perhaps it should have been!

P.F.I... Paris, First Class, International

Bonjour Sir, May I show you to your suite? Certainly Sir, it would be a pleasure to assist you with your coat. Uh-oh... Service phrases are at the ready, and will be vocalised at freewill around the training college as of December 27 as I am transformed from Business Class flight attendant extrordinaire into First Class fabulousity over the period of 7 days.

I am trying to be wrapt to the back teeth at being forced into using vocabulary I havent used since, well, EVER, but I know that post-hoity-toityness-for-one-week I will be in the pointy end and enjoying the glamour of finally joining Gwenyth Paltrow in saying: Paris. First Class. International. In the course of 19months with the EmiRAT, I have gone from the depression of hearing "Final Load down the back is 400" to the always unsurprising "you have 20 booked in business, but economy is oversold, so you're catered full" (which you always know to translate to "42 feral upgraded passengers, and a full meal service which takes 3hours to complete") to finally having a little bit of Die on Demand (or was that dine?) luxury with a maximum of 12* passengers paying thousands of dirty Dirhams a minute for me to pour an overflowing glass of Dom Parisnong and prepare a couple of horses douvers onto a shiney plate and call it First Class Service!

* except when Emirates decides that it is acceptable to send 49 ancient Business Class seats in a 2-class B777-300 to Jeddah, and pretend they are First Class - but hope that no unsuspecting Saudi Arabian will ever notice


So join with me in celebrating what I can guarantee is going to be an absolutely ROCKING New Year that I will spend with my good friend Victor Granados Fernandez studying for my final practical assessments at the Emirates Training College. Auld Lang Syne, Hakuna Matata, and Kum By Ya.

Changing Rooms

In true style, we have completed our latest efforts of DIY home decorating: THE LOUNGE! For those of you who have seen our apartment in Dubai will know of our mammoth sized living room, and how stark it was in its former glory of white walls, beige tiles, and MUSTARD curtains/couches!

So working with what we had, the colour was decided: Cypress Sage, and the living room was transformed. Adrian and I drew the line at wearing matching Chambre Shirts like real Changing Rooms contestants, but we gave ourselves the same 48hr time frame, and managed to have it ready for the Big Reveal in record time...

So yet another home improvement is complete, our next job is to attack the vestibule! We're thinking charcoal/light grey, which may sound a little daunting for an entrance way, but we have a vision, and when all our trademark candles are alight at night, we are absolutely sure that it will be the entrance way we want!

Nautical Themes aside, we think that after life in the desert, our new vocation could be as Designers for Changing Rooms!

The Wait is OVAH

Well peoples... The wait is over, and what pacifically am I talking about? The penultimate reason for my existance... well, certainly the penultimate reason that only fellow officianado's can understand me...

That's right kids, Kath and Kim Season 4 is now out on DVD, and being purchased for me in Perth as we speak.

Being the desert dweller that I am, I have not seen anything new from the foxiest ladies this side of Fountain Lakes in over a year, however, alas, the Boxed Set of K&K 1-3 (plus telemovie) takes pride of place on the gradenza, for late nights of widescreen hilarity. Yes, a Slow Screw Against the Wall might be nice, thank you Ashley.

Stay tuned for the latest and greatest of new phrases, words, and fashions - as my world gets refreshed. I can hardly wait. Mind the wattle please, doll.

A Star is Born

Hello everyone, Kia Ora, Konnichi Wa, Sawadee Kup and welcome to my Blog... a haven for all things ME, for you to keep your finger on my pulse, for you to perve on my latest unsuspecting move across the globe.

My aim is to update this page whenever I can, but as with all things in the Middle East, and in the immortal words of Dame Rachel Hunter: "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen!"

Check back regularly for the latest installment... You won't want to miss a beat!